Trifles

   I recently read the George Eliot novel The Mill on the Floss which tells the story of young Maggie Tulliver, a spirited, impulsive girl who idolizes her older brother Tom more than anyone in the world. As she gets into her many scrapes, the grown-ups complain of her unruliness and, try as they might, fail to keep her under control. Tom grows older, becoming more proud and serious, and joins the adults in their scolding and rebukes.

   Little do they know the inner tumult Maggie experiences each time she falls out of grace with her brother.  They don't see how desperately she wants to be good so she can please him, or how a single harsh word from Tom can make her feel like the the sun has gone out in her world.

   The book describes the intensity with which she feels all these things, but Mrs. Tulliver and the disapproving aunts write off Maggie's despairs as trifles. And on the surface, they are trifling: a cold glance from Tom, a forgotten token, a spoiled afternoon plan. They're almost nothing compared to the troubles of the grown-ups. 

   But just because her troubles are smaller doesn't mean they're any less painful. Maggie is smaller, and all her woes are proportionate to herself. It only takes a little water to fill a short glass, but nonetheless it is still full. 

   In self-reflection, I was a bit rattled when I recognized Mrs. Tulliver in my own life. When children come to me with their troubles, I'm guilty of belittling their experiences: "That's not so bad compared to ______," I do want to help them get a right perspective of the world, but I also realize that I need to acknowledge those "trifles" as seriously as they do.  

Tom & Maggie from The Mill on the Floss

A Student in God's School

Educators often talk about that 'magical moment' when a student finally grasps something - when the 'lightbulb comes on.' They'll say it's the main thing that inspires them, the motivation to get through all the planning & grading, paperwork & legal labyrinths & tests. Like any teacher, I love the moments when I can see things 'click,' but there are moments that I cherish far more than that.

I teach on an 'intervention team,' which means that many of my students are 2-3 years below grade level. They all face unique challenges to learning, from troubled homes to learning disabilities. They go through erasers like candy because almost nothing comes to them on the first try. To them, giving up is a tempting relief, a safe place where they can get away from difficulty & failure. So in my day to day work with them, the moments that touch me most aren't when they earn a good grade or a sticker for mastery. It's the ones where they receive the familiar F, but then pick up their pencil to fix the mistakes. The ones where I ask, "Does that make sense?" and they answer, "No, not really," expectantly waiting for me to try another explanation. The disappointment when they miss a problem, but sigh resolutely and start again. I'm touched by those moments because I know how much they want to give up and how impossible it feels to them, yet they keep trying. 

In my own spiritual life, I have many moments of giving up - times when I mess up so badly that it doesn't seem worth it to drag myself back to God and ask forgiveness. I feel the impossibility of living the Christian life because of the sheer number of times I commit the same stupid sins. I avoid prayer or confession because I don't want to go through the process of starting over again. I imagine the disgust God must have for me, how tired he must be of putting Fs on all my life's tests. But then I realize that no matter how many failing grades I give to my students, the last thing that I want them to do is give up. I think of how much I want them to ask for help when they've messed up, and how proud I am when they ask for my big eraser so they can try again.

The love I have for my students is nothing compared to the love God has for his children. It gives him joy when we come back to him no matter what we've done or how many times we've done it.

But the father said to his servants, ‘Bring quickly the best robe, and put it on him; and put a ring on his hand, and shoes on his feet; and bring the fatted calf and kill it, and let us eat and make merry; for this my son was dead, and is alive again; he was lost, and is found.’

Women and Men

It's a rare and special occasion when all 32 members of an extended family can be together. Thirty-one of us were present at a graduation party in May, many of the ladies reunited a few weeks later for great-grandchild #1's baby shower, and a family vacation saw us all reunited in the Wisconsin Dells last week. For some reason I really took notice of my aunts and uncles during those times. So many of the cousins are transitioning to adult life and experiencing growth and changes. Maybe because my perspective has changed, or because my parents' generation is also going through transitions, or maybe because of a combination of both - their words and actions struck me in ways I'd never noticed before.

The women in my family are home-makers - not in the sense that they're always at their house, but they're always making others feel at home. I was so impressed as my Aunt Cindy hosted a large group of women at the baby shower, providing food and facilitating games. She managed to make everyone feel welcome, even being attentive to Vanessa's mother-in-law, only present via Skype and watching through a laptop.

And then somehow, within 5 minutes of entering our condo in Wisconsin, Aunt Jenny had the kitchen stocked and organized, with snacks out on the table. I was amazed at the hospitality each of these women had even when they were so far away from their homes! They anticipated the little things all the way from seating arrangements to serving spoons.
The men in my family are spiritual leaders. Uncle David initiated scripture-reading and prayer over the 6 graduates (college & high-school) at the party. He invited others to give words to the graduates, and every single head of family spoke up. As I listened, I realized how easy it would have been for them to leave the "words" to their wives - most of whom did share eloquently. I realized how much easier it would be for them to let all the teenagers go back to goofing around and eating cupcakes. But their love for their children came through as they seized those moments to share the most important message of all - love God and follow him.

My grandpa asked each of his sons & sons-in-law to lead one night of family devotions during our vacation. Again, my dad and uncles took the opportunity to exhort and challenge us in our faith. My older cousin, the only one married so far, is quiet and reserved, but none the less a leader. He added his own exhortations, as the head of his own young family, for us cousins to marry a man or woman of God. There are so many other ways that these men are leaders, but I particularly respect the fact that they lead by speaking and praying.

It's a rare and special occasion when all 32 members of an extended family can be together. It's even more special when that family is held together by such faithful women and men.

Lenten Inspirations

See if you can pick up on the theme here.



"Conquer yourself each day from the very first moment, getting up on the dot, at a set time, without granting a single minute to laziness. If with the help of God, you conquer yourself in the moment, you have accomplished a great deal for the rest of the day. It's so discouraging to find yourself beaten in the first skirmish." - St. Josemaria Escriva 


 
"Thus with the baggage of the world I was sweetly burdened, as one in slumber, and my musings on thee were like the efforts of those who desire to awake, but who are still overpowered with drowsiness and fall back into deep slumber. And as no one wishes to sleep forever (for all men rightly count waking better) -- yet a man will usually defer shaking off his drowsiness when there is a heavy lethargy in his limbs; and he is glad to sleep on even when his reason disapproves, and the hour for rising has struck -- so was I assured that it was much better for me to give myself up to thy love than to go on yielding myself to my own lust. Thy love satisfied and vanquished me; my lust pleased and fettered me. I had no answer to thy calling to me, "Awake, you who sleep, and arise from the dead, and Christ shall give you light." On all sides, thou didst show me that thy words are true, and I, convicted by the truth, had nothing at all to reply but the drawling and drowsy words: "Presently; see, presently. Leave me alone a little while." But "presently, presently," had no present; and my "leave me alone a little while" went on for a long while. In vain did I "delight in thy law in the inner man" while "another law in my members warred against the law of my mind and brought me into captivity to the law of sin which is in my members." For the law of sin is the tyranny of habit, by which the mind is drawn and held, even against its will. Yet it deserves to be so held because it so willingly falls into the habit. "O wretched man that I am! Who shall deliver me from the body of this death" but thy grace alone, through Jesus Christ our Lord?"- St. Augustine

Don Bosco

For the past month or so I've been reading this book over my bowl of granola and yogurt every morning. The biography is about St. John Bosco - the priest who worked with poor youth in the streets of Turin during the 19th century. As a first-year teacher, it's glaringly apparent to me every day how much I have yet to learn about God, life, work, people, and of course, especially children. Don Bosco has led me through some of those necessary lessons, and has given me an invaluable source of inspiration for my daily walk.

The first lesson comes from Don Bosco's tireless work for the kingdom of God. As a young seminarian, he wrote these resolutions:

-I shall be rigorous in the use of my time.
-When it is a question of saving souls, I shall suffer, work, and humble myself.
-Since work is a powerful weapon against the enemies of my soul, I shall not take more than five or six hours of sleep.

Not only did he live out these resolutions in the seminary, but through his whole ministry, so much so that at age 72, his doctor declared, "He is a man who is already dead from fatigue, but who continues to work day after day, eat little and live." This man understood the urgency of God's work, and how vastly superior God's eternal kingdom was to his own comfort and pleasure. As a single person living on my own for the first time, opportunities for self-indulgence abound. Hard enough as it already is to keep from centering life on oneself, the world is actively promoting the "me lifestyle." This saint reminds me of the grand picture - why we are really here on this earth - and how serving God and others is the most difficult, but only fulfilling path. Don Bosco took the word of God seriously by sowing acts of righteousness, and he reaped abundant fruit during his lifetime and still today through the Salesians.

The second lesson is that I should not be afraid to communicate that grand picture to others, even children. Don Bosco was chastised by many outsiders for the candid way he spoke to the boys at the oratory. He impressed upon them the gravity of their sin and necessity of frequent confession, often challenging them with questions such as,

"If you were to die tonight, what would happen to your soul?"

Through visions, Don Bosco often foresaw impending deaths. Gathering his boys, he would warn them one was to die soon, and pleaded with every one to commend their whole souls to God, confess their sins, and prepare for the hour of death. Some thought this was too harsh and morbid a tone to take with children, but Don Bosco knew that it was unjust to tell them otherwise. Through his intercession, my prayer is that in daily interactions with students, I will be able to see them as they are - eternal souls - and earnestly and lovingly tell them the truth.

And finally, a third thing I took from Give Me Souls, is renewed desire to hand over every one of my intentions and works to God's glory.

"If the work is for the glory of God, spend all you have and even borrow more. If it isn't, don't spend a cent, for Providence will not help you."

This book is scattered with miracle after miracle - all the different ways God provided for Don Bosco's efforts. I know that if I want my efforts to see success, I must submit them entirely under the will of the Father (which sometimes might mean changing the efforts entirely) before I get to see the marvels he's prepared!

ἐπιφάνεια

The Greek word you see above is epiphaneia, meaning "manifestation" or "striking appearance." Today is Epiphany - a favorite holiday of mine ever since I experienced the epiphany that such a holiday existed. This day was one of the countless treasures added to my spiritual life when we entered the Catholic Church.

This year I learned something new about Epiphany. Not only is it a celebration of the magi's adoration, but according to the Catechism (#528), it also includes Jesus' baptism and first miracle at Cana - three key moments in Christ's life when his divinity was revealed. In meditating on these events, I tried to put myself in the place of those first eyewitnesses, and had a small epiphany of my own.

What were the witnesses doing when the "light broke upon them?" In the case of the magi, they were seeking. They watched for signs, and when they saw the star, they took a long, difficult journey to follow it. The witnesses at Jesus' baptism were coming to John the Baptist for repentance and purification from their sins, and the servants at Cana were standing ready to obey (even so strange a command as Jesus').

Hidden here is a lesson for the soul who desires to see Christ manifest. To whom does Christ reveal himself and in what circumstances? First, he makes himself known to those who seek. The wise men didn't know exactly where they would find the king or what he would be like, but they pursued what light they had from the star. Because of this, they were blessed with a greater Light. Today, many souls are timid. They don't make a pursuit because they don't know exactly where the journey will end, or they are afraid of where it will lead them. But just as God protected the magi from Herod, he will protect you; just as he gave his son to them as a human child, so he will give himself to you.

Second, Christ reveals himself to those who repent and come for baptism. At the Jordan, these were the people who heeded the voice crying in the wilderness, who acknowledged their sin and need for salvation. Not only did they see Jesus, but they heard the very voice of God coming down from Heaven. If you humbly approach the sacraments you will also see Jesus there and hear the words of God proclaimed through the Scripture.

Third, Christ reveals himself to obedient souls.The servants at Cana may not have understood why they were filling the jars with water, but they did it. They were probably afraid of the master's reaction when he tasted it, but they brought it to him. So you may be afraid to follow the command of Christ, but what marvels will be in store if you do!

Seek, repent, and obey and "the dawn from on high shall break upon you."

2013 in Review

At this time in my life I am forgetting things at a faster rate than ever before. Since I don't expect this rate to improve, I feel the need to archive some memories from 2013.

In January, I began student teaching at the local middle school. In 6th grade language arts, I had a fantastic mentor teacher who challenged and inspired me toward excellent educating. In 6th grade math, I worked with someone who challenged me in a different way - providing an example of the kind of teacher I did not want to become.

That same month, four college friends and I packed up my little car and drove to Washington DC. After being pulled over, getting scammed on parking, and illegally walking on the frozen reflecting pool, we walked out the door of the Holocaust museum to join hundreds of thousands of protesters marching against the modern-day holocaust of abortion.

February saw many early mornings as I continued to student teach, and many late nights planning lessons and grading. Companionship with my dear friend Taylor helped me survive. Our study/work nights, fighting the song wars on our laptops, having RA duty together, and rosary walks were times to treasure.

March and April were a marathon of senior projects. I spent so many long hours in the library, that a librarian offered to have my mail forwarded there. I attempted a visit to St. Cecilia's in Nashville, but my car broke down in Louisville. I had packed twine "just in case" there was time to craft, and made rosaries at the car shop all day.

In May, I graduated with honors, and all four grandparents were present for the event. I made it to Nashville for a 5-day vocation retreat where I met many wonderful women, enjoyed excellent Dominican preaching, and spent hours in contemplation and prayer with my Lord in the chapel.

June 28, my 21st birthday, a call came from the vocation director at St. Cecilia's with a message to "wait." The feelings of both disappointment and relief were overwhelming. The job search began with renewed vigor. I was so thankful for the great blessing of daily Mass throughout the summer.

In July, I interviewed at a nearby public elementary school. A few days later, my nerves were shaken by a phone call saying none of my references were reachable. Because the president's office was generous enough to keep me on for the summer, I happened to be in the same building as 3 of my education professors, who immediately called the principal to recommend me. Within a few hours, she called back with an offer.

Because of the job, I wasn't able to join my family's grand canyon vacation, but I thoroughly enjoyed house-sitting and the hours of picking, washing, cutting, grating, freezing, skinning, canning, & cooking vegetables from the garden. It kept my hands busy and my mind off of the looming school year, which began August 12.

Nothing has ever stretched me more than being a 5th grade math teacher. Even after days of pure exhaustion, feeling completely inadequate, and shedding tears on my drive home, I could always look back and think of the many times I smiled and laughed throughout the day. I love my students.

Thanksgiving provided the opportunity for me to visit my great uncle and help him digitize old family photos and records. The "genealogy bug" had bitten, and when visiting family in Connecticut, I discovered many more gems. Through December, I worked on a family heritage scrapbook to share with aunts, uncles, and cousins.

All 31 members of my dad's side were together for the first time this Christmas, and we discovered that my cousin is expecting #32! Our time together was sweet, especially the late night sleepover with cousins Sarah & Elizabeth, marveling at our heritage and wondering about our future. I wonder what doors lie ahead in 2014 and I pray by God's grace I can honor the heritage of faithfulness passed down to me.